I just recently watched a video that convicted my heart. It made me realize how much I depend on myself and not on God. I think about him every minute of everyday but is that enough? When I am in trouble, I think about going to God with my problems..Why don't I? I'm not sure, but could it be that I will find myself more vulnerable then I want to be? Would I find myself weak? Would I cry if I let go of all the hurt that keeps me going?
Its strange how for some people pain is a weakness that causes them to fall into addiction of many kinds, or for some the opposite, it can cause someone to hold on to the pain to keep them pushing forward. But is the pain that causes us to prevail worth holding onto if it causes you to be bitter and angry? Is the pain worth drowning out with addiction? Is it okay to let go and let God? What would be the downfall in that?
I ask myself all the time, why I dwell inside my own mind on the things that are out of my control. I'm really good at ignoring what I don't want to know the answer to and even if I know the answer I can easily set it aside so its not visual.
When I envision myself letting go and submitting completely to God, I see my self falling to my knees and becoming a sobbing baby. I can already feel what that would feel like in my gut, so the unknown is not the problem. If I submit completely to God then I have to let go of what I believe keeps me going. I have to let go of my sin and admit to all of it. I would have to become so vulnerable that it would seem uncomfortable.
I can see myself at the foot of the cross begging for Jesus to forgive me as his blood spills over me. I can see the sadness, pain and fear in his eyes as he dies on the cross for me. He knew that I was there at his feet watching him take his last breath before he even agreed to die for me. He carried the cross to Calvary as my sins hung from his garments every step of the way. I stood there standing over him begging them to stop as they nailed his hands and feet to the cross and through every striking blow, he never lost eye contact with me. I was there looking at him as he hung from the cross, struggling to breath and dripping sinless blood from every wound. I could see the the fear in his eyes when he asked his father, "Why have your forsaken me?" and when I heard him sputter these words, I cried out.. "Because of ME!" "Because of ME!"
He then looked down from that bloody cross with tears in his eyes, trembling lips and an aching heart and said, " Forgive them, for they know not what they do.." never once taking his eyes off me.
Yes, I was there and I relive that moment every time I put a cigarette to my mouth, Let a curse words slip, cant find the time to read my bible, or find the time to pray, drive past someone asking for help, buy something in vain, judge another person, assume to know more then I do, when I lie, want more then I need, forget to seize the moment to tell someone about him. I have many more sins I can list and probably way more then I want to admit but when I think about "Jesus" taking that place on the cross instead of me.. I think what time I have wasted, holding on to what makes me strong. Avoiding what cant be avoided and forgetting to put God first in everything I do.
Make be broken. Make me to see your children, my sisters and brothers through your eyes. Please break my heart for what breaks yours. Please show me your will for my life, that I can be a blessing to someone else every day. Please help me to share your word, your gospel, your story with those who need you the way I do. Even as a proclaimed christian, I am always on the edge and without you I would fall off. Please God save your people and if you can use me to do so.
Even as a Christian I need to you to guide me because my flesh is week and I am easily swayed to sin. I know that I am no better then anyone else and I want to be reminded of that daily. I pray heavenly father that each and every day you fill me with the spirit and help me to reclaim the joy I have when I am walking with you. I long to see your face, to hear your voice and to feel your embrace. I know one day weather it be in death or your return, I will get to but I ask that you remind me every day how much I need you.
Please help me to see the error in my ways and to stop relying on myself and instead seek you for the answers. I pray that you pull me towards you when I walk away and that you carry me when I'm no longer strong enough to walk on my own.
I love you so much Heavenly father and I know that each breath, every second of everyday is a gift from you and I pray that who ever reads this will see that too.
Thank you for my salvation, thank you for writing my name in the Book of Life, thank you for sending your son Jesus to die for me, even though it should have been me. Thank you for every person you have placed in my life and I pray that I can be what you need me to be for those who need you now.
In Jesus' precious name I pray..